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xxXEvery draWing thAt I DrEw waS nevEr eveR As cuTe aS yoU.
 
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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Hello_gxXdbye_x's LiveJournal:

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Sunday, February 10th, 2008
Sunday
February 10th
gifts were placed in hand
i felt the breath of their life and was awakened
with that happiness
there comes a struggle
to show them the ultimate truth in my words
to show them
i love you
is meant so greatly
♥ Serious as a heart attack
Sunday
February 10th
"you dont want to hurt me, lets see how deep the bullet lies."

its only every immortal fear
its that place where you fooled yourself again
and you thought they liked you for you
the fear that its the stone you will touch
within only days of lust
and when will the rain rust on my bones
i will always be waiting, always expecting
no matter how nice they seem
thier gentle fingers and soft smiles
wondering if they only see it
if they can see it when they lock thier pupils to mine
if they can feel that i threaten to rip at thier spine
a warning flash that screams
i will always hate you before i love you
and the same for after
expecting from this, whats been bruised by all the others
expecting that they dont see all the scars
so please cover your eyes
from the gruesome sites
pressed into my chest and marked onto my back.
theres only certain reasons i trust only this
above all the rest
and even if thats a new mark on the skin of myself
i am taking it and pressing deeper
into the hole called life
this will be another chapter on pages inscripted



you dont want to hurt me, lets see how deep the bullet lies.
"if i only could make a deal with god.."
♥ Serious as a heart attack
Thursday, January 31st, 2008
Thursday
January 31st
Pure Freedom
The edge of the forest pulled at my feet
The whispering wind between the trees
formed my name into my ears
And called me in
I tipped forward
My toes tapping lightly against all the leaves
Rays bounced off my shoulders as I spun round
Round and round
The sun shone
With warmth brushing my skin
I licked my lips
I desired to tell my friends
Of this song my ears were hearing
Of the life all the world was possessing
Of the possibilities that danced at our palms
Like my feet
Spinning so fast
Now buried beneath all the colors
And all other thoughts disappeared
Breaking away from me
Leaving my chest light
My lungs breathing swift as the wind
Moving through me
Moving the colors around me
Merging me into a whirl
A freedom so pure

-Celeste Durham

Current Mood: awake
♥ Serious as a heart attack
Tuesday, January 22nd, 2008
Tuesday
January 22nd
♥ Serious as a heart attack
Tuesday
January 22nd
♥ Serious as a heart attack
Tuesday
January 22nd
translucent green
irises captivating
a strand connected to the chest breathing
i dont know the words to give you
gift wrapped in my breath
for you to know the honesty in my chest
when i speak of me loving you
how do i assure that you can believe
that regardless of all my fear i love you
how do i pull apart with the tips of my fingers
the hard serface of all the pasts briusings
how do i let you know that
your not someone i think i could fall for
your someone i have already fallen for

-Celeste Durham

when laughter was reinvented
another kind of happiness was created
his lips laid against mine once broken
no more bleeding and screaming
helpless fighting
now replaced with calm breathing
all the things that were changing
a heart was growing use to
trying to work past all embeded fears
to reach what was standing before it
with arms holding close
these lips were actually smiling
without the pain of a cut pulling open
holding them shut
i can love without a bullet drilling through cracking bone
of what cages in a heart
i can do my best without being proven incorrect
to believe its even possible
for someone to feel the same
or maybe something somewhat like it

-Celeste Durham
♥ Serious as a heart attack
Tuesday, December 25th, 2007
Tuesday
December 25th
i pulled all the cobwebs aways from the walls
sprained my wrists from pressing hard with the cloths against the dirt
and i fought one mess after another
when this is it im ruining it
and im the worst thing you could have ever come across
and why did i have to cross the path that was you
why couldnt this have been spared for us

he placed himself on the floor
tight and all to himself
somewhere i couldnt get in
and im sick of this damned dagger digging at my skin
readying me to scream
contracting muscles in my throat

i tried, i promise that i did
and i thought i could love
but it burned my body in substitute for acid
why did you do this
why did you have to be so damned stupid
i dont think i was made for this

the urges built up with concrete of possibility
the hope that i could be bleeding
that medal might soon from now be pressed
between the fingers attached to my wrist
and in the morning he could find me hanging
in the noose of my blood on the floor
the hope that maybe i could be ending this
l0ve isl0ve is♥ Serious as a heart attack
Monday, December 24th, 2007
Monday
December 24th
how is the knowledge of a time place itself in mind
how are we knowing when times are "right"
time to tell and hold the breath
a time to swell or wish for death
do we go until we just cant wait
until everything in you cant hold back
and your about to scream
or do you hold back until the other says
the words
i love you
♥ Serious as a heart attack
Monday, December 17th, 2007
Monday
December 17th
the past year has not been the greatest.
i got killed by katy. and constantly caitlyn is always there.
i cant ever get myself to stop loving her. it just never ends.. but there
are so many reasons why i cant be with her.. i dont know that i could ever
do that again..

and now its someone else. and i get to relearn how to truat... something that is still
absent from way back...so far back.

she felt all those fears build up inside of her, she felt her own hands pressing in
on thier own palms. and the screams that were lodged so deeply in her throat, ready to
break out. ready to create her outbreak. and all the scars were marking thier way back
through her brain. and she could feel the hate building along with all else.
she could feel her urge to break the glass against a wall with the rugged edges aimed
back at her, her fingers not trembling.
i cant have anything to do with you now i hope you realized. she screamed but she couldnt
speak. and she couldnt tell him.
and her eyes blacked over. her skin unfasined itself and broke. leaving her naked.
and this time she was screaming at herself again. with all memory of everything rushing
back to her all at once, what was this and why cant she stop it. and she freaked out at
how majorly things had changed and were changing. and screamed for the want to be
once again in those years she once had been. she wanted to be her before him and before her
and the other one. she wanted to be her before was ever broken in any way. she wanted to
meet who she had been then. she wanted to great herself

stop it. i screamed at you through the mirror of the mind. i screamed and im wondering if
only you are going to listen. this was different. remember. this is different.
so stop it
or get the hell out. charlie.
dont be so damned supid.
♥ Serious as a heart attack
Monday
December 17th
" you dont need to bother.."
"take this razor and cut your palms"

there is something shifting inside of this thing called me
inside of this chest that resides the soul that is all i have
the thought that is placed inside the head witholding the mind
is that of razorblades and faces
the nerves of this body pulse with irritation
with agitation and the ledge of the mountain
that everything is forcing me to
there was something building inside
there were thoughts of suiside
and eyes running down the skin pailed black
and a place with these walls
those voices that crawl, clawing and choking
muscles that allow a body to breathe
holding out of reach the ability to scream
to SCREAM.

this place is what was killing me.
the hands that were holding neck to wall
with a grip around the esophogas
and teeth pushing in hard on the tongue in my mouth
unlike the ones of thiers
forming the words they speak
bleeding myself this disease

there wasnt a damn thing that could put this mind at ease

not here

Current Mood: aggravated
♥ Serious as a heart attack
Wednesday, December 12th, 2007
Wednesday
December 12th
Eaten alive (try hard to understand)
a story i wrote awhile back, one that i actually like..

i dropped them on the floor, the sound of them hitting seemed louder than normal. my stomach seemed to twist and i didnt know what exactly for.
i felt my own arms curl around my skinny frame, my nails digging into my sides.
guilt and stupidity raged through my veins. i knew i had done something wrong... or that something was not right.
i began walking down the hall, the sound of my echoing foot steps creeping at my ears. i was approaching the empty room... it had been that way.. abandoned for weeks.
in a way i knew what lay on the other side of that door... actually it was creaking open now.. and its shadow seemed to be spilling out as if reaching for my feet.
i felt my tongue go black first, then my ears and my skin. it was crawling down my spine, latching deep into my nerves, destroying them.
in a way it was generous... numbing everything, taking the ability to feel and whispering away the ability to heal myself.
my nails grew rapidly in a matter of seconds and pierced into my sides, splitting the skin. no blood fell, only shadows emerged from the gaping cracks.
i knew i should have pleaded with the shadows. i knew i should have turned back. that i should never have come here in the first place.
but my mouth drooled visiously for it.. my senses craved it, my shoulders weighed down with hunger for it. My eyes fixed upon it.
my eyes. now glazed over, frozen and blind.
the darkness had reached my bones and my heart, it almost fully controlled me.
and i stopped then mimmicked the act of falling though i really wasnt.
i melted forward into that room... i became the door on the inside of the room. i became the face of this evil.

i swallowed myself whole. through the hallway of my espohagus. into the darkest abbyss call the cavity of my chest. and i digested myself and slowly became dust.
destroyed my body over a tick in time.

i latched the lock and watched under my feet for the next piece of me.

-By Celeste

Current Mood: weird
♥ Serious as a heart attack
Wednesday
December 12th
"Your inside X-Ray.."
I’m going to plant my shards of words of hello in your pocket
So when you walk maybe you will feel them jabbing at your side
Since, remember, you don’t feel anything emotionally
Maybe then you just might notice me again and allow me
To believe that I exist.
Maybe if you look, you will see my reflection in the
shards that sick in your side
like the ones that you perminately left mine

“don’t you think that its ironic? That since I like the sun and
warmth more than I do the rain, not to mention I would much rather
prefer it, and that you like the rain more than you do the sun and
like I do… and you remember that first day we met, and I
was in the rain and you were dry. We both were in places that we
would rather not have been… and we saw each other in the other
place, you dry and me drenched…. And how that now we are
together….. its like.. we both went for where we wanted to be
and found each other? “


there was that soul spinning
shining and running free
and minds were thinking with great wonder
how does she do it? how is she so alive?
they watched her dress spin in time with the wind and snow
her hair fanning like a shadow cast quickly
her smile reflected off the sun
she had bled all there was with blood
she had sang all she'd sung
knowing that it was never over
this was never the end
not even when the bodies were dead
thats something that is all in your head
and they gasped stepping back
she seemed to have beat some kind of system
she laughed out loud and screamed to the skies
her feet bouncing on and off the earths top
she was spinning and jumping and screaming at the top of her lungs
but no one knew what she saw
the four seasons as she spun in circles
the four different styles on the trees
she felt the sun the snow the rain the wind all at once
she felt the earth reminding her that she was alive
and they wanted to turn away in thought that she was crazy
but it was a sight too beautiful
it was something new
in the middle of the city
the desert
the country
the sea
she could see
she was taking everything in
and listening to all the sound
seeing all the sights and feeling all the things to be felt
there was so much more to it than they hed led her to think
more than they lead themselves to think
and the only question left
is how do you teach generations after you such a sight
how do you let them in on this beautiful thing
how do you teach them to dance in the rain
how do you keep her alive

Current Mood: thoughtful
♥ Serious as a heart attack
Wednesday, June 13th, 2007
Wednesday
June 13th
come back.... i miss you... butterfly
so i have to wait.. a day more.
to even feel whole again. or to even be able to breathe.
she was suppose to be home on saterday... but now its not going to be
until sunday. and sunday is fathers day... she said well maybe i will see you
monday then... no. i really cant do that. i cant not see her for that much
longer. i CANT do that. my insides cant take it.
so i will do my best to be with her on sunday. even though it is fathers day.
well hes going on vacation from work and stuff so maybe i will just do something with him then since i am also on brake.

its just like she said... "i feel like my heart is a little broken from this trip."
thats exactly it. feels like someone just kinda reached right in there and
took out my heart then flung it all the way across the damned country or where ever.
so fuck. i hope i get to see her soon... this is reallllly killing me. really.
and im kinda hoping that shes gonna come back early to surprise me or something..
like she did to hannah when she went to Texas.

this is really fuckin sucky.
please please come back soon... God give them some damn extra speed or something.

Current Mood: Upset
♥ Serious as a heart attack
Monday, October 2nd, 2006
Monday
October 2nd
A DEAD LETTER
Dear empty page,
remember me?
i didnt think you would
lately time has been broken down
little moments adding up to one huge breakdown
and the air is still surounding me

you thought i forgot how to breath

thats not the deal here
i give up breathing
but the truth is
i need oxygen for my wounds to truely heal.

so lately my minds been lost
i cant really tell you where its at
(that is very well the point)
a part of me knows
but im biteing my tongue
so that i can save my knuckles
a clash with wood.
(i have also grown paranoid)

i quit some things lately
because theres a fault with my anatomy
so i have been outside more.
and even more becuase i like the outdoors.

lately the lyrics to all the songs
dont mean so much anymore
because lately i dont really let them.
i wander what would happen if all music
was put on mute.
maybe with my state of mind
i wouldnt even notice.

i am also learning
not to let things mean so much anymore
and im changing the ways of some things.


Sincerely
-Charlie

Current Mood: discontent
♥ Serious as a heart attack
Saturday, August 19th, 2006
Saturday
August 19th
POemZ
"you had your fun
and now your done
and thats all you cared
isnt it
thats all that mattered" -Celeste D



_ATTEMP OF ESCAPE_
a death rushing faster and faster
mixed emotions
contained so close and deep
quickly riding to the surface
my suicide drink

chance. take it or leave it
a word growing older
with every new one given

i was killed by you
revived by you
but held under by the throat
under suffocating confusion

i want to whisper in to your face
scream in your ear

you dont know what your doing
you shouldnt fuck with me like this

and i'll say it now
there is a lack of trust here
you say you trust me so much
but i'll take away what i'v put in you

i want to give in so badly
but it always ends up that way
count it
count the bad times, i think i'd agree

miss murder, im rising from my knees



_REVERSE_
time
is it ever really wasted
just a mark
a tool for tracking

can we really lable it wasted
on you i could
on you i would

i wish i could hate you
at times i really do

what do you want from me
i dont believe your poem
i dont believe your words
its better that i dont hear
them at all

and i scold myself constantly
for falling in love with you at all
a time i wish to turn back

it doesnt matter that your mine now
or maybe i ma just yours

i think your laughing to yourself
aplauding your successful cruelty

and i really love you. really i do
but am i wasting time
so they would call it
on wanting to hate and forget you so damned much



_LABLE_
part of me
would like to say
you planned this out

part of me
would like to break you
place the pain you gave me
times ten in your chest

maybe then you'd give up
andi would win

but i couldnt do that
at leaste not now
for now
i'll sit cold in the same room
as you smile with someone else
always away
from someone who is
suppose to be your girl

because i am too much
and you'll preserve me
labled yours

for whenever you are
supposedly ready



_REMEMBER_
i love you
but want more
to be able to hate you

i love every single thing
about you
i wish you would annoy me
just as you do
everybody else

i wish i could forget you
and not feel so damned confused

i love the feel
of you beside me
but i wander if you
stayed away long enough
if maybe then
i could forget you

Current Mood: calm
♥ Serious as a heart attack
Saturday
August 19th
poems
_UNFIGURED_
your presence
i am speechless
stare you in the eye
try a million times
to figure you out
every second in doubt

dont touch
your choice not mine
i dont know what you want
i cant express this enough

my every move dubbed a crime
so then
i am a
criminal
i am a
victim

Your Victim

i cant make you mine
in no sence certain

i am only your victim




_THOUGHTS TO CONSTRICT_
my head aches
as well as my heart
Every word you speak
is one more gash
of confusion in my chest

i really wander
how you can stomache this
i really wander
how on earth i can
do the same
without my heart
being completely demolished

and i think you should maybe grow up
open your eyes and see the issue at hand

i really question
that you know
and your just afraid

or maybe im just still "too much"
or maybe your just lying
this thougth that constricts my mind
that you just care to much
to hurt someone else, let alone
yourself

but your so damn blind
to the fact that your really just
so damned careless




_THIS FOR FACT_
it scares you
it shakes you to the core
the fact that love is real
the fact that it includes
someone other than you

doesnt it?

and you fear it
my touch, loves sincere caress
becuase you know
that if you gave in
you'd then be real

Isnt this true?

so you'll hide
and st with someone else
when my side is open
all the while thinking
that i am wholey yours

Wont you?

but really im not
not completely of course
becaues your to afraid to have me
your to afraid that when it happens
you will actually be ready
you will actually own
something

I know this for fact.
♥ Serious as a heart attack
Sunday, July 30th, 2006
Sunday
July 30th
"I really wish that i... could forget the way you are."
"take causion when you walk
move along
on the tips of your toes
and fear the defeat
of the broken heart
inside your chest

one wrong step
the sharp edges
may prick
the walls inside
and infect you
with
death"

Current Mood: melancholy
♥ Serious as a heart attack
Saturday, July 29th, 2006
Saturday
July 29th
Feel so..
Sometimes
I wish I was brave
I wish I was stronger
I wish I could feel no pain
I wish I was young
I wish I would try
I wish I was honest
I wish I was you not I

'Cause
I feel so mad
I feel so angry
I feel so callous
So lost, confused again
I feel so cheap
So used, unfaithful
Let's start over
Let's start over

Sometimes
I wish I was smart
I wish I made cures for
How people are
I wish I had power
I wish I could leave
I wish I could change the world
For you and me

Current Mood: crappy
♥ Serious as a heart attack
Wednesday, July 26th, 2006
Wednesday
July 26th
Not Now
Come here, please hold my hand for now
Help me, I'm scared please show me how to fight this,
God has a master plan
And I guess
I am in his demand
Please save me this time I cannot run
And I'll see you when this is done
And now I have come to realize
That you are the one who's left behind

Please stay until I'm gone
I'm here hold on to me I'm right here
Waiting

I see, a light it feels good
And I'll come back soon just like you would
It's useless, my name has made the list
And I wish, I gave you one last kiss

Please stay until I'm gone
I'm here hold on to me I'm right here
Waiting and take
My one last breath, and don't forget
That I will be right here
Waiting

Please stay until I'm gone
I'm here hold on to me I'm right here
Waiting and take
My one last breath, and don't forget
That I will be right here
Waiting
♥ Serious as a heart attack
Tuesday, July 25th, 2006
Tuesday
July 25th
Everybody's free to feel good
Everybody's free

Brother and sister
Together we'll make it through
Some day a spirit will lift you and take you there
I know you've been hurting but I've been there
Waiting to be there for you
And I'll be there just helping you out
Whenever I can

'Cause
Everybody's free to feel good

We are a family that should stand together as one
Helping each other instead of just wasting time
Now is the moment to reach out to someone
It's all up to you
When everyone's sharing their hope
Then love will win through

'Cause
Everybody's free to feel good
interval
Everybody's free to feel good

Current Mood: content
♥ Serious as a heart attack
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